Liberty Medical's and Walrus Extraordinaire Wilford "Diabeetus" Brimley Talks About Seizures

**disclaimer: To avoid the law firm of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe from suing me, I want to first admit this is a fake interview. While I would love to hang out with Wilford "Diabeetus" Brimley, who's most famous from the Liberty Medical ads, being a curmudgeonly grandfather in movies, and getting his stomach kicked in the Firm, I have yet to meet the man who seems able to Mortal Kombat Shao Khan style morph into a cat or walrus. Diabetes is a serious medical condition, that has affected family members, and I only have "fun" with how Brimley pronounces it, as he calls it "diabeetus", but to his credit he has been involved for years with research and awareness. So without further adieu, its time for me to sit down and describe with Mr. Beetus himself, the importance of destroying seizures, which have caused so much pain for those who live with it, those who love someone with them, and those who've lost their lives far too early from them. A cure for seizures must be found.

Mike Ross: M/ Mr. B-Wiford "Beetus" Brimley

Interview with Wilford "Beetus" Brimley

I'll admit I was a bit nervous, as I've been in awe of Wilford Brimley for a long time. Getting to meet one of my heroes, caused me to perspire, and I hoped that the Tag brand deodorant that I borrowed from a teenager, wouldn't cause all of those women from the commercials to interfere with our interview. This was conducted in Florida, at Liberty Medicals Corporate Office. For years, I had been comforted by Mr. Beetus, because just like the Sun rises from the East and sets in the West, his "diabeetus" commercials are going to be aired on "The Price is Right". These commercials, where he is wearing a red or blue sweater, remind me of a twenty first century version of a fireside chat, and its great being able to get such inspiration while watching them, in a pair of pajamas and eating my daily rations of Fruit Loops. Mr. Beetus was late, as apparently he had another issue on his Segway, yet when he walked in the door I realized that he was an alpha male that I would have a difficult time contending with. It was going to be impossible, to be a fair and balanced journalist, as this legend walked in with that red sweater.

M: "Its so nice to meet you Mr. Brimley, thank you for sitting down for this interview".

Mr.B "Whatever ya whippersnapper. You say I have this ability to transform into a cat or a walrus. You think you can get by me? Yeah I might be so old that I need carbon dating, but I'm still one bad dude, who could launch you through the window at a moment's notice."

M: "You have a lot of aggression Mr.B."

Mr. B: "Yeah, yeah, whatever. You know what, I shoed fifteen horses on my farm today, and no I didn't do what that knucklehead did in the movie Kingpin either. From what you've seen on the Liberty commercials, you know I have the right stuff."

M: "What irritates you Sir?"

Mr. B: "You do for one, but what really gets my skin crawling, like there's a bunch of Texas fire ants, is my grandkids. They are always over at my ranch, screwing up my G scale trainset, switching all of the clocks that are perfectly aligned with atomic time, you saying that I got "owned" in the movie The Firm, and people making fun of the old style conductor hat that I wear off the set. Some say that it makes me look like a dirty old man."

M: "That's a lot of stuff Mr. B. While I appreciate all of your efforts with diabetes, what do you think of epilepsy."

Mr.B "Well I think its time we go medieval on them, like Marcellus did in the movie Pulp Fiction. "

M: "That's a good way of putting it, but aren't you impressed with Dr. Weeber's work with mice?"

Mr. B "Work with vermin? Where's my .243 rifle, I'll shoot those vermin with perfect aim, getting rid of those pests in just a second with the click of my ol reliable."

M: "Mr. B, Dr. Weeber is working with mice as part of a medical study. He has been able to genetically modify them, so that they have Angelman Syndrome, and then he's been able to cure it. Other researchers have been able to use mice for epilepsy treatments, and understanding how electrical signals to the brain are abnormal, thus causing seizures."

Mr. B "Well, you young haystack, perhaps there's not as much straw in your cerebral cortex, as I thought there was prior to this what you call interview. That is great, and I'm happy to see that research into epilepsy and other conditions is moving at a quick pace. Those rats can be used for something useful, so I'll put down my firearm, and let them do what they do then."

M: "Thank you Mr. B. What do you think of the work Vanderbilt University is doing with regards to seizures?"

Mr. B "They did a fine job in the NCAA tournament a few years back. I was sitting at home in my drawers watching them on my television with bunny ears. It was great sitting there with my chewing tobacco, bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and just seeing real men kicking that other team into submission."

M: "Mr. B, its great that you are a fan of college basketball, but this is about what Vanderbilt University's Kennedy Center is doing with seizure research."

Mr. B. "What are they doing, because I just did some research on my farm, and it led to me being able to get my Hover Round up to Mach 1".

M: "They have a seizure research project, that is going to first lead to a combination of medications that will stop seizures from occuring. This will help parents who love their children with Angelman Syndrome, and other conditions, from seeing their kids seizing up, or ultimately losing their lives to seizures. Then, they are going to proceed on a sequence that will eliminate seizures forever. They are famous, recently you perhaps saw Darius Rucker perform on stage on their behalf, with a bunch of young men and women that understand courage."

Mr. B "I saw that, Darius Rucker as you would say in this generation, "rocked the grain silo". That's great that Vanderbilt is doing something other than playing basketball, that they are involved in trying to find a cure for seizures. While I'm being forced to wear these horrible cardigans for Liberty Medical, and being made fun of on Youtube, Vanderbilt's Kennedy Center is doing something admirable. By the way, did you know that I got game with the ladies?"

M: "That's nice, Mr. B."

Mr. B "Yeah, I have conga lines of women knocking at my door constantly. That little blue pill has been a real hit, and when I get on the dance floor and do the electric slide, all the gals from the AARP are throwing their cards at me. I'm like the new Tom Jones."

M: "Mr. B, props! Yet what do you think of a Facebook Group called "Suck Feizures", that's working to get rid of seizures forever?

Mr. B " I think it sounds like a crude version of that Cee Lo song that's on the dance floor. Last week, I had a slight acccident on my Hoverround. Apparently I had a "few too many," and crashed the dance floor. That's what the song said to do"

M: "This interview doesn't seem to be going anywhere productive. Any thing you want to say about seizures, and epilepsy for that matter, before you get back to those wild ladies from the AARP?"

Mr. B: "Yeah, I'd like to say that seizures need to be crushed, just like I used to be able to do with a cantelope in my bare hands. There are too many families that need a cure right now, and folks with seizures who would be doing so much better, if they didn't have to contend with them. I hope there's a cure before the next harvest moon".

M: "Thank you Mr. B"

With that the "Beetus" himself walked out of the room. He didn't seem to acknowledge my presence, because his stud level is so high, that he just didn't need to. There were no handshakes, and no thank you's, but I was not disappointed. Just having a few minutes in the same room with "Beetus" was an experience that I'll never forget. The way he carries himself, well its just as manly as you can get, and from what the folks at Liberty told me, he was planning on jogging on the beach to show the ladies that he's "still got game." Apparently, he wears nothing but a small banana hammock style speedo, and runs on the beach like that scene in the movie "Rocky III." While perhaps we do not need to run on the beach, a race for the cure against seizures is going on right now, and that needs to be done with all haste. There are so many in need, and just like Mr. Beetus, let's get the cure before the next harvest moon. :)