Anniversary Dates are Painful Reminders of What Was

When your child passes away before it is "your time," you cannot underestimate the significance of certain dates. The pain is intense, and can leave your eyes full of tears, with an emptiness in your heart that just cannot be fully healed. This bleeding can cut you right down, from a standing tall position, to a curled fetal position that you can't get out of. It has been about a year and a half since my son Tommy passed away at age five, from a seizure related to his Angelman Syndrome. Certain days, especially birthdays, the anniversary day of his passing, and the holidays are a challenge to get through. As a father of a son who's gone to God, I am trying to better view these days as reminders, of "what were, but are no longer a reality."

My son's body lies six feet deep, yet I know in my heart of hearts, that his soul is with God, who is the ultimate protector. Certain days and even times of his passing, can bring back a torrent of memories. I can see Tommy smiling or laughing, playing with his tiger toy that is sitting in his playroom. Its strange not seeing him with that tiger, and the emptiness that seeing this toy creates, is sometimes so painful. He's not bouncing around, making the odd noises he used to, or lighting up a room. Often I sit by his grave, and just think about what could have been. Yet the reality of the situation then tears into every bone of my body, and I realize that I just don't have control over these matters. The lights, sirens, and rush to the hospital flood into my conciousness, and there's no way to make them go away.

There was an elevator at Tommy's last school. This brings a smile no matter what, because his teachers and staff would encourage him to walk, due to his fascination with this people mover. Yet Tommy was a people mover, and while I wish I could get one of his awesome hugs right now, I have to cling on to those memories and be thankful that they did happen at one point in my life. Life is an elevator of sorts, with its ups and downs, or trials and tribulations. There will be no getting over his passing, and as a father, I must contend with the fact that there's a Father with much more authority, and that I must place my trust with Him completely. These days of pain are a reminder of Tommy's life, accomplishments, and ultimately the terrible day of November 4th, that will live forever in our family's hearts. Yet at the same time, they are also a reminder of what he was able to accomplish, and for that I'm a very proud man.