The Holidays and Grief

The Christmas and Hanukkah seasons are upon us, and may they be full of cheer for people around the world. Yet there are some folks, who dread this time of year. That would be parents, grandparents, brothers, and sisters who have lost a child in their family. The empty seat at the Christmas table, or the spot where mazel tov! was yelled, can bring up painful memories from the past. The commercialization of the holidays brings further pain, and having to visit your little boy or girl at their gravestone, is heart wrenching even more so. Yet you've got to continue to celebrate the holidays. That's what everyone says right?

Our first Christmas without Tommy was beyond hard. We decided as a family, to do something that we had never done before. Looking back, this was a wise decision, and that was to go skiing on Christmas Day. The change of venue helped immensely, and being active in the outdoors offered some solace. Yes we felt the pain, but it would have been more so, if we hadn't gone to the ski resort instead of staying at home. Our pictures from that Christmas show smiles, but those only were masks, for what really was felt deep down.

Alcohol and foods can be your worst enemy. While I still only go out and get loaded occasionally on booze, after Tommy's passing I put on a lot of weight. It was a shocking amount, and while I still carry a few extra pounds, I warn parents going through the grieving process that this might be an outlet that is unproductive. Frankly, I just didn't care at the time, and ate whatever crappy foods were available, and I ate them in abundance. It was like waving my middle finger to the wind of health, and in retrospect perhaps I could have done something worse, but emotions of pain would trigger a desire to eat in large amounts.

This is a tough time, and there's no way around it. I've felt it this year, at Thanksgiving and with Christmas just around the corner. This year I am better "prepared" for the deluge of emotions, but they are there, along with the tears. I look at Tommy's younger brother, and I see him, which brings a small amount of happiness that cannot be explained in words. Seeing him smile at the Christmas lights, reminds me of the trips we used to take with Tommy, when he would be in awe of the displays. This Christmas will be fun, as we celebrate as a family, even though there is that empty seat at the table. The squash that Tommy loved so much will be eaten, and we will all miss seeing him go after the Christmas wrapping paper, that he played with for hours. Yet we carry on, as other families do at this time of year, and I wish you all the happiest of holidays. Merry Christmas.