There are millions of us who are in the "club" of losing a child. No its not one that we ever expected, wanted, or thought "that could be me." Yet it is the reality, and while the natural order is for us to pass away before they do, those of us who've been down that road face a host of emotions. Anger, guilt, utter despair, frustration, and a feeling of abandonment in many regards. We have gone through our lives trying to be decent, when the parent's worst nightmare hits, and you lose the faith that you previously had. Yet did you really have that faith? I'm not sure I did, because mine has grown at an extraordinary level since my boys passing. The skeptic in you might be thinking "Well, you are just making up for that pain with something to cling on." You'd be right to consider that, as that was how I used to use my minimal brain powers, and I was wrong.
I won't tell you who to call God, but I believe in Jesus, and yet at the same time I don't hold a grudge against you if you worship vacuum cleaners. Its up for you to choose which road to pick, and I have picked following the guy with nails in his hands and toes. "The crosses we bear" are so true, yet when compared to what He went through, I'm thankful to learn from Him the meaning of "Turning the Other Cheek." It doesn't contrary to what I thought, and so many others believe, make you a weak human being. Rather it makes you stronger, and able to cope better with the pain you've been through, along with challenges following after such a tragic event. A church doesn't have to be at a building either, some of the most amazing spiritual experiences I've had, have been in the strangest of places.
Parking lots. With angry, rabidly foaming at the mouth parents. On the road. God doesn't pick out a building to be His temple, rather it surrounds all of us, regardless of who we are or where we are in life. This past week an immediate prayer was answered, and we'll see what the next chapter brings. There's only so much I can do, I trust the Lord as my rock, and am a better person because of it. My journey in faith has a long ways to go, but I feel much better after "letting go," and just taking the bricks being thrown one by one. Whether its someone in authority above my head red in the face yelling, what's the worst they can do, "take away my birthday?" :)
I don't know know the reasons for my son's passing, or why so many others are down this highway. I'm not sure about a lot in life, even though before, I thought I had it pretty much figured out. Its a mystery, and even though I cannot prove it, I thank God for having a sense of humor. That is what has helped me in many ways, and I laugh at things, that I previously would not have found funny, and have found new value in each and every day that I'm lucky enough to wake up. There's only so much we can control, and for the most part, that's our actions. Turn the other cheek, worship the good Lord, and trust in Him. At the same time, have fun, discover what your passions are, and just go with the ride.
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