All of us who have lost a child, know deep down in hearts, how much the anguish of two days in particular can be. That would be the day of our child's birth, and when our little one gained their wings. They are missed so deeply, and there are not enough tears, to make up for the pain caused in any sized bucket. In the coming weeks Tommy would be eight years old. I try not to dwell on it, but it is unavoidable. The gloom has set in already, as I have looked through pictures, when he was born. What a joyous moment that was, as tears of joy came down upon my face, and I will never forget that moment of being a Dad. True, the world will keep spinning on this day, just like it does when other children pass away, or other parents go through similar pain.
Life carries on regardless. I do not know if I am working that day, or what I will be doing. Yet I know that there will be clouds, no matter what the weather. That evening of 2004 was amazing, and looking through those pictures, often cause me to simply put them away. I can't bear to look at his pictures, our families happy faces, and his locks of hair and footprints from his passing are left untouched. Giles Cory's "More Weight" is so applicable on this day. It is hard to believe that it has been almost three years since that fateful night. There is no way to explain it, as sometimes it feels as if it was yesterday, but most of the time it feels as if it was from another lifetime.
This year there will be tears. There often are. I still have more questions than answers. Yet perseverance is the order of the day, faith is what is ultimately required, and to carry on as a good example to my other son until I am called home. I am not alone, as so many around the world, have the same sentiments on these "markers of remembrance." The other day I went to his old school, and just walked around to see his memorial stone and bush, along with touching the playground that he used to play on. Perhaps this year I'll drive by the hospital he was born in, see the old condo we used to live in, before we moved into our current house. I don't know what I will do, but Tommy will be foremost in my mind, thoughts, and in my heart.
The pain has been immense, but I am thankful for my faith, which has been cracked, but not crushed. I am thankful for my family, whom I love so much, and to countless friends from so many backgrounds, so many nationalities, all of whom I am grateful for each and everyday. So many people, whether they meant to or not, have been a rock, a solid foundation, and for that I am forever indebted to them for their kindness and understanding. Much like a rock has a lot of edges, the waters are smoothing out those that bear pain. It will never go away completely, yet each day is a chance for redemption, and for new challenges. God bless you all, and may all who've been down this road, know that you are never alone.
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