Fire and Rain: Joy and Pain

Years ago, if someone put James Taylor on the radio, I'd probably be thinking about knocking their teeth out. To say that I didn't like his music was an understatement, as I simply thought it was wimpy, whiny, and worthy of being thrown into a gigantic trash can. Yet with some age, experience, and challenges, I find comfort in "Fire and Rain." There is just something about this song, and often it plays on my car stereo, as I drive to and from work. I was shocked by all of the interpretations, that people have come up with for this song, and for many they believed that it was about James Taylor's girlfriend who died in a plane crash. That simply is not true, as I found out that he wrote this song, as he faced his demons, that were profound depression and drugs.

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

The holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, are a rough period for our family. There is that empty chair, where Tommy would be if he was alive. Yet, the only place that he can be visited, is under a huge tree in his burial plot. Today I had flashbacks to that terrible night of November in 2009, when I held his hand, as the doctors stopped CPR. Of all the tears that came out of my eyes, the room was so silent, that you could have heard a pin drop. The shock of losing my five year old boy, was so stunning, that I simply did not know what to do. Other than just cry, I sat there in complete paralysis, as did not want to let him go. Yes, I knew the EMT's and doctors did everything that they could have. Even at the time I realized they gave everything they had, and I sit here grateful of that. It was not easy on them, as they are fathers and mothers too.

Tonight I drove home to this song, and hit the right spot. It provided comfort, and a bit of reflection on those flashbacks that showed up. All of the pain of earlier seemed to have been wiped away, and even though there will be more fire and rain in life, I have learned to accept Tommy's passing. Its not been simple, and there were tears today, and there will be more, just as the sun rises and sets everyday. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, about what needs to be done in 2013. There will be efforts to raise awareness about epilepsy, as I am still blown away that 65 million people around the world contend with this condition. Expect to see a lot of purple on a bike trip, and if this knee that's recently been worked upon again heals more, there will be an extensive journey taken down the entire C+O Canal. There will be running, with a shirt that says "Ask Me About Epilepsy."

Our entire family has suffered, yet we are not alone, as there are countless members of our fellow human beings who have been down this road. Its not the easiest one, as there are twists and turns, along with a sense of emptiness and purpose at the same time. That may not seem to make sense, but that is the new reality. Life gives us all "fire and rain," as there's no easy ride, and all of us have our struggles that we must contend with. Just like Giles Cory asked for "more weight," we all have that luggage that tugs at our heart strings, and makes us question exactly what we are doing here. James Taylor provides the answer. That is to "make a stand." It does not have to be anything special, but rather it has to just be from the heart, and with faith and resilience through the tears and the smiles.