My Impending Death

My impending death is hopefully a long time away. I hope to live until 100 years old, and at the very least, be a good husband, father, and a person who will carry on a positive spirit. Life has thrown me a lot of challenges, as all other human beings go through. Life. Its not an easy ride. In many ways, the grandmother from the movie "Parenthood," had it pinned down right with her quip about it "being like a roller coaster." Hang on to those bars, as it goes up and down, although it is with profound gratitude that its mostly up. Like many other fathers around the world, I have experienced the defeat in sports, missing a shot on that deer that had the eight points, or completely screwed up something of major importance. Just like many fathers, I have had a child precede me in death. Here I am typing away, and my son's grave is about two miles away. There are flowers on it, beautiful Oak trees that have wind chimes that sound peaceful, and a whole lot of other children buried next to my boy.

Often I wonder about these parents. Sometimes I see them, but often Tommy's burial spot is empty, in the appropriately named "Garden of Angels." There are sad glances and nods, but rarely is a word spoken, when those of us in this group are near each other. Its a basic understanding, and I am certain, that these same parents are so pained when they see a new burial area being prepared. Each time that happens, and its a fairly regular occurrence, I feel a sense of sadness for a family whom I do not know. My thoughts go to the shock of their loss, the great magnitude of tears upon tears, and the anger and depression that accompany such a jarring event. Often I think of them, having to take their little girl or boy, and place their casket into the white limousine that's at the funeral home there. Those five steps are heavy on your heart, as you put your child into that car, and follow it to the burial spots.

Whatever way I go, the death certificate will say something other than a broken heart, but that is what it should say. Yet, I owe it to my wife, my three year old, my family, and faith to soldier on. Often events bring back that terrible night of 11/04/2009, that will be forever be etched in our memories. An ambulance can remind me of the ride to the hospital, knowing full well that Tommy was gone. Driving by the hospital where he was pronounced dead, having held his hands as CPR was stopped, can cause immense pain. Seeing a little boy who looks like Tommy, with that beautiful blonde hair he had, brings up the past. It is a mixture of comfort and sadness, to be where he is buried. I wish that I could save every child, every family, from having to going through this difficulty. Yet I cannot. Its beyond my mere mortal power, that is limited in scope, and I had a tough time to accept that.

Dads and mom's around the world right now, are going through a shock, as they have found their child unresponsive, or got that dreaded phone call. It is such a blur of emotions, there are no words to describe them, other than having your world turned upside down. If I had a worst enemy, I would not wish this upon them. To families going through the pain of losing a child, I cannot promise an easy ride, because you will NEVER get over it. Yet you WILL get through it. Life is mysterious, yet I consider each and every day a blessing. I'm a happy man, even though, there will be that missing part. Yet after much reflection, I do appreciate life much more, and see it through new eyes. Eyes. I miss Tommy's blue eyes, as they had sparkles in them, and the smile and joy in his face can not be replaced. However, I am grateful for the lessons he taught me, our family, and people who are family that have a different last name. Life is truly to be embraced, and done so with gusto.